An honest post.

 {{source}}

I love sunflowers. They make me happy when my skies are gray.

Some days it's stronger than others. 

That maternal yearn. 

I know I've talked about it before. 

The desire to be a mom. 

It's hard for me when I see friends who are expecting who either have been married for a shorter period of time than the hubs and I or aren't even married. I feel that awful pang of jealousy rising. I try to squelch it, but it's there. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them, I just wish I was in the same boat as they are. I want to be going through the same things that they are. And I get to thinking: "Why did God let them get pregnant and not me? Why did He bless them, but I'm still here waiting?" I struggle with this often. Sometimes it's not as much or obvious as other times, but it's always there. A little nagging in the back of my mind. I'm just ready to be pregnant. But it's not my time. As much as I want it to be it's not my time and it's not about "my time." It's about His time.

I have to trust that God's timing is perfect. He will give us children when the time is right. Just as He has provided for us in the past. He has not abandoned us. He is guiding us down His path. I just have to trust that for fact.

There's a different between knowing and trusting. I know that what I say is true. He has a perfect time for everything. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "He has made everything beautiful in its time." In its time. Not in my time. It's such a difficult thing for me to accept! I try. I understand. I just don't trust and believe. I struggle with trusting and believing.

but His timing is perfect. 

I must trust that, as difficult as it is for me.

And until He does bless me with children, I can share the love I have with the children around me. They need love. Sometimes more than I realize. I just have to be conscious of what God is laying on my heart and trust Him to lead me where I need to go.

At the moment I feeling a tug at my heart. I don't know exactly what the tug is pulling me toward, but I'm doing my best to trust in God and follow His way.