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**this is a hard post for me to write, but it's going to be an honest one and one that I feel needs to be written**
It's been a long time since I've had even a moment to sit down at the computer and type out. Life has run away from me and I'm trying to just keep my head above water. I have never felt so completely alone.
I'll pause here and say that I have an amazing and supportive husband whom I love with all my heart. But things aren't always happy-go-lucky and we have hit a few rough patches along the way. I also have a wonderful family who has stood by my side and helped out wherever they can. I am forever thankful for them and I am blessed to have them in my life.
But that being said, I still find myself alone. I'll use that analogy of standing still in a sea of people, you know the one I'm talking about? The one where a single person is just standing there with everyone just moving in blurs around them? That's how I feel. I'm that person just standing there watching everyone move in a fast pace around me.
Everything around me is going extremely fast and I feel like the slug who can barely keep up.
I feel stuck. I feel abandoned.
With everyone zooming by, no one seems to take notice of me. This has been going on since getting pregnant with Squish. No one seemed happy for us and no one seemed to want to celebrate with us. I was left alone. I started to really get down about this. No one seemed to care about this new little boy and our growing family. They definitely didn't check up on me to see how I was doing.
And honestly, I was struggling. I was exhausted. Barely keeping my head afloat. And I was alone. The repeated message was that nobody cared.
Fast-forward to Squish arriving. All 9 lbs 10 oz of him. I was hoping for a change. And I did get one. Thanks hormones. But I did get a change. I became even more alone and sequestered. Again, I didn't feel anyone (outside of family) truly cared about how I was doing or how I was feeling and coping.
I soon found myself traveling down that deep dark road. Everything set me off. I cried at a drop of the hat. Sure, I was happy enough. I could smile and there were times of complete happiness, and really I am happy. I'm just alone. I have no support system outside my husband and family and life is hard without a support system. Friends don't exist, and even if they did exist, our schedule is such that I can't even think about going out. But I guess it's just nice to be invited and thought of when planning something.
Community is a big part of life and I feel like my community abandoned me when I needed them most.
So here I am, writing this and I'm extremely nervous to publish it. This whole alone feeling is awful and it's kind of a downward spiral. Because of all these negative emotions and feelings, I find myself not enjoying the little things going on. It's put a strain on my relationship with my husband.
And what just adds fuel to the fire is dealing with a very difficult baby. I love my little boy, and I once heard a description for a child and it suits him perfectly: he's the happiest unhappy baby on the planet.
That's hard for me to admit. Admitting that I have a hard baby makes me feel like I am a failure at being a mom. I feel like I'm failing my baby. And because he takes so much attention, I feel like I'm failing at loving on Bug.
And here I am with tears in my eyes.
Postpartum depression is real. And it's a struggle.
To add to the craziness, things with the hubs's job is once again up in the air. We're very thankful that he has a new parttime job, but the job that brings in the bacon is in transition and we don't know where we're going to be in the next few months. It's hard. And it all just compiles and I find myself wanting to run away.
But in the sadness, I know there is Hope.
I recently saw this quote by Meister Eckhart about beginnings. That's what this is. This is a beginning. Beginnings are scary. I didn't want to change. I don't like change (unless it's to my house, that's fine and I welcome that kind of change), but I feel like a new beginning is what is good for me.
Basically, life has been really hard lately so this little blog has fallen by the wayside. I hate that. This is one place I feel like I can have a since of community. It may be weird, but it's true. Thanks to this little blog, I've found some really good friends. I just wish they were closer!
So here's hoping for a little more normalcy in my life (also known as a baby who actually goes to sleep before 1 am and will let me lay him down) and the ability to catch everyone up on the goings on! I mean, tomorrow Squish will be 5 months new so there's a LOT to catch up on!
