"
Oh the dear pacifier. Binky. Passy. Or "pa" as Jo calls it.
Jo took to one immediately and still has it at nap time and bedtime (boy, do I dread the day we have to break her of that habit). She loves her pa. And I love it too. It soothes her and calms her when she needs it most. Slowly she's transferring that job over to her beloved beats, but for now her pa does the trick. And when she was an infant, it gave me a moment to rest. She didn't need to nurse to settle. That was okay for me. I needed that as a new mom. It was a chance for me to be able to go and do and not have her strapped to my boob.
Her brother, Mr. James, is another story. I was very much okay with getting him to take a pacifier. We bought some like his sister's in preparation for him to enjoy them too. And at first we thought he would. He took one when he was two days old. It didn't last long, but I just figured that was because he was still trying to figure things out. So we kept trying to get him to take. Bought different brands. Tried different types. Nothing worked. Each time he put one in his mouth he would gag on it.
This was a new world for me. Jo loved her pa. I was used to that. Now I have a son who, at almost 3 months, still refuses. And it's brutal. When he gets upset, he needs to nurse to settle down. If he gets too worked up, it's back to the boob he goes. Lately, he's upped his game. Now he only naps if he's latched, and to get him to go to sleep at night, he has to first fall asleep on the boob.
This is his comfort. This also means I don't get much done most days. This means I am his pacifier.
Some days I soak it up. The extra cuddles. The knowledge that I am his comfort. The fact that he needs me.
Then there are days where everything is a mess and I just want five minutes to be able to do something without having him latched on. There are days where I just want to get him settled so I can eat in peace. Or just take a shower. Or even go to the bathroom.
Days like these are hard. I feel the mommy guilt creeping up. Saying this like, "you should spend more time with Jo" or "why are you thinking these things? Enjoy the time you have. You're a horrible mommy for wanting five minute." The homemaker guilt accompanies it. This says things like "you are a horrible wife because your house is a mess" or "you're just being lazy, you need to do it all."
